P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358
A
Los Angeles man is behind bars on suspicion of stealing 14 cars in less
than three months. Police say he was arrested several times during, but
got out each time on the current "zero bail order". *The guy was
prepared, he had a big stack of Get Out of Jail Free Community Chest
cards. (Paul Dudley)
Don’t
know if these face masks stop the coronavirus, but they have stopped
one other really gross problem. *Picking your nose in public. (Bill
Williams)
The
Indianapolis Motor Speedway is going to run the postponed Indy 500 with
fans, but says everyone must wear a mask. *Especially the venders
because they’re charging 75 bucks for a beer and hot dog. (Bill
Williams)
A
Ukraine man hijacked a commuter bus and held the passengers hostage at
gun point. OMG!, doesn’t everybody know this by now. *A man armed with
an AK47 over 65 years old gets to sit down. (Bill Williams)
The
annual Comic-Con gathering is not happening in person, but the festival
is still going ahead as a virtual event this week. Once at Comic
Con, I witnessed people in homemade Darth Vader outfits argue with
people in store-bought Darth Vader outfits over whose was better.
*It was one of those fights where it's hard to call anyone a winner.
(Dave Vincent)
A
New Hampshire man suffered serious injuries over the weekend after
grabbing a bull by the horns. *Suffers serious life-altering injuries
and a case of severe irony. (Dave Vincent)
A
survey suggests that July is the month people are most likely to
cheat. *Or, as Megan Fox calls it...July! (Dave Vincent)
David
Hasselhoff turned 68 last Friday. *Friends and family celebrated
like they do every year...by taking him to eat at his favorite
place: a hotel floor! (Dave Vincent)
Two
Indonesian airline pilots were recently arrested on drug charges.
*Passengers knew something was wrong when flight attendants would
announce that the flight will take off once the plane is de-iced...and
the pilots is de-toxed. (Dave Vincent)
After
being confronted by authorities, a drunk driver in England urinated at
police through the mail slot of his front door over the weekend.
*Officers want to make an arrest but realize the suspect has the upper
hand. (Dave Vincent)
A
California woman was told to leave a Verizon store after she refused to
wear a mask, so she urinated all over the storeroom floor. *In the end,
she finally got what she was asking for...more bars. (Dave Vincent)
P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358
Two
American astronauts went outside the International Space Station
Tuesday to replace batteries on station's power system. Twelve
space walks have been performed over the past few years to change out
batteries. *Astronauts are relieved, finally the remote for the
TV will work again. (Paul Dudley)
Doctors
say patients are shocked when they find out what CPR really stands for.
*Cardio Pulmonary Redistribution of wealth. (Bill Williams)
A
new study says a pig turns to face humans to receive praise, just like
a dogs does. *Especially right after he got you a big cash settlement
from Roundup. (Bill Williams)
A
man at the Brussels airport was caught with cocaine inside an
artificial penis. *He was arrested, then immediately hired by
Virgin Air." (Dave Vincent)
Two
Indonesia airline pilots have been busted on drug charges.
*Passengers became suspicious when the pilot turned off the seat belt
sign and said, "You are now free to move about the flying raccoon."
(Dave Vincent)
A
furious McDonald's customer brutally beats a restaurant worker after
'being reminded to put on a face mask' in Hong Kong. *How embarrassing
that must have been...ya know, having the news report that you got beat
up and work at McDonald's. (Dave Vincent)
Fans
of Amy Winehouse are expected to commemorate the 9th anniversary of her
death tomorrow by leaving empty liquor bottles and packs of cigarettes
on her mother's lawn like they do each year. *So, I guess my a-hole
neighbor commemorates her death on my lawn every day! (Dave Vincent)
Ted
Nugent says Joe Biden is 'Painfully Deranged In A Mental Capacity' and
'The Poster Child For Hypocrisy' *"Super. Now play 'Cat Scratch
Fever'!," responded non-face-masked attendees of the Iowa State Fair.
(Dave Vincent)
A
Florida woman was once busted for masturbating in Starbucks while high
on crack. *In her defense they did ask her to enjoy their new
Fappuccino! (Dave Vincent)
Vin
Diesel has turned 53. Don't be upset when you jump out and yell
"Happy Birthday!" and he doesn't act surprised. It's not that he
doesn't care. *It's just that he's not a very good actor. (Dave
Vincent)
Unfaithful men have lower IQs according to a scientific study. *But, as long as there's a Kardashian... (Dave Vincent)
A
woman was told to leave a Verizon store after she refused to wear a
mask, so she urinated all over the storeroom floor. *She was
arrested and then immediately hired at Waffle House. (Dave
Vincent)
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The Funny Firm P.O. Box 1446 Thousand Oaks, Ca. 91358